Okay.  I’m just gonna come out and say it.  [right about now my mom is wincing and wondering where she went wrong]  Sometimes I read the sensationalized entertainment pieces.  GASP!!!  I know. 

Typically I stay true to the red carpet photos – all for the sake of fashion, naturally.  But every once in awhile, I’ll stray.  It’s always when I’m bored.  Bored and stuck at my computer.  When I can’t take one more edit, I’ll sneak out to the web and peruse various entertainment links. 

And you would NOT believe what is out there.  Seriously.  The things said about Jennifer Aniston are not right.  Who cares if she is going on vacation with her married friends?  Or the latest – that Robert Pattinson smells bad.  Yes, you read that correctly.  There was a whole write-up on the “fact” that a horrific odor follows him wherever he may roam.  Of course, the insiders refused to give their names.  Hmmm… I wonder why.  Could it be because they MADE IT UP?!!!  Who would even think that was a good idea? 

I was totally unnerved.  They should leave the poor guy alone already!  Let him do his thing.  If they want to comment on his work, fine, good.  But enough with the absurdities. 

I had just jumped atop my soapbox – how anyone who writes another asinine story about a celebrity should be strung up by their toenails … their TOENAILS – when it hit me.  It may be drivel, but look who’s reading it. 

Bad llama … bad llama!

Needless to say, I re-bookmarked FreeRice.com.  If I need a reprieve from boredom it might as well have meaning.  Not to mention, being appalled will do nothing.  These ridiculous “news” articles are being read.  And linked.  And commented on.  The publishers are simply fulfilling a “need.”  Maybe it’s time we all lived our own lives – and let celebrities live theirs.  Sure, reporters might have to work a little harder, but in the end, we might actually have something worth reading …

The evil germs that have been infiltrating this city for months now, finally took me down.  And to think I felt capable of avoiding such catastrophe.  After all, I remained stoic, while friends and family dropped like flies. 

I must admit, I wondered; one day they would mentioned a cold, the next thing I knew they were out of circulation for days.  What kind of cold takes you out for days?  Well now I know – the kind that obviously signed a pact with the devil, that’s what kind. 

I’ll spare you the details because, let’s be serious, no one really cares.  But to give you an idea of how bad it got – Friday I was folding clothes when I heard the ice cream truck drive by.  I burst into tears.  Yeah, I don’t know either …

On a bright note – there is a plus to being a light-weight.  I can’t sleep on my own accord in this dreadful state.  So I hauled out a Smirnoff sample.  That one 50 ml Smirnoff Green Apple Twist lasted two nights.  4 swigs – just a little num-num – was all I needed to sleep for hours.  It was a beautiful thing.  Sigh. 

Now, if only I can have a miraculous recovery by tomorrow.  If not, jury duty’s going to be even more fun than usual.  For me and everyone around me …

I decided to do my part to aid the ailing economy today.  I was chauffeuring my mom to church this morning – happy in my own little world – when I heard her say, “Are you going to stop?!”  This, of course, brought me back down to reality.  But instead of breaking, like a rational human being, I panicked and gunned it.  Right through a fence. 

Really, if you think about it, it was rather impressive the efficiency with which I accomplished it all.  In a matter of seconds I managed to fly through the air, smash through a wooden barrier, reverse, pull back into the parking spot, shut off my car and start crying. 

Of course, I had to explain my plight to my friends.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: Who drives their car through a fence?

Mom: You.

Kristi: Don’t feel bad, I’m sure a lot of people drive through fences – Francine, you’ve driven through a fence before, right?

Francine: [deer-in-the-headlights-look]

Mom: We’ll take that as a no. 

Kristi: Well, it wasn’t your fault, there should be barriers of some sort.

Mom: There is.

Jen: She ran over the barrier.

Kristi:  You did?

Me:  Flew right over the top. 

So now a family gets a new portion of fence; a friend will earn some business; the church will get some free writing; and some point down the road the auto body shop will have a new customer (they make cars so cheap nowadays – I mean really, you can’t even even drive through an old rickety fence?! C’MON!).  It’s a win-win really. 

But here’s the thing that gets me.  Just this morning I was perusing the paper when I caught sight of a headline regarding a car being driven into a storefront.  I didn’t even read the article; I just thought, “What an idiot!”  Yeah, well who’s the idiot now my friend? Who’s the idiot now … sigh.    

If you have a large writing project – a training manual, say – don’t delay in getting it done.  Even if the deadline continues to be pushed back … and the work is painful … trudge through.  If you don’t, you’ll wake up on the day the draft is due – confident in in the fact that the project is nearly finished – when something strange happens.  You’ll turn on your computer, open the document, and all hell will break loose.  The Table of Contents for one is wonky.  As a matter of fact, it contains half the manual, rather than the headers you so dutifully marked.  Soon you find that the only way to fix the issue is to delete the formatting you spent the last four days slaving away on.   Now you have a matter of hours to redo it all.  And Word is gifted at sensing right about the time panic begins to set it.  That’s when it really starts playing with you – inserting ghost breaks, deleting words, suddenly switching chapters, holding back header fields – just for the fun of it.  Seriously.  You can actually hear it smirking.  And to top it all off – you’re wireless mouse and keyboard will decide to die.  Right in the middle.  You would cry, naturally, if only you had the time …

Not that I would know from experience or anything.  Sigh. 

My cousin is trying to kill me.  Okay, not really.  She is, however, trying to whip me into shape.  Not a easy endeavor I might add.  If you know me at all, you know how I despise the idea of exercise.  Not big on exertion.  I’m more of a lounge-about-with-a-good-book type.  Being tortured?  Um.  No, thank you.  I’ll pass. 

I am, however, thirty-five.  And I have been sitting on my rather large arse for extended periods of time.  Still, I think I could have overlooked these points had I not looked down one day to find chocolate smeared all over my favorite sweatshirt.  Low-point. 

So my cousin has graciously offered to lead me in strength training.  It’s a stretch (no pun intended), let me tell ya.  First of all, I’m fairly certain a minute in that class is FAR longer than a minute in the real word.  Pretty sure.  Secondly, children are present.  This means I cannot whine incessantly, nor can I break forth in a string of profanities. 

But, as they say, what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger… at least that’s the goal …   

My mom and I were chatting about horrible movies – specifically the embarrassment of having someone catch you emerging from the theatre of a horrible movie – when she mentioned her blood clot.  Apparently, when we were at the theatre watching Twilight she had this weird pain in her leg.  Being the medical professional that she is, a blood clot came to mind. 

Of course, it wasn’t the idea of having a blood clot or throwing said blood clot that terrified her.  It was the thought of dying in the theatre of Twilight.  People would know.  Not only the people in the theatre, but countless others would see as they carried her lifeless body from the theatre.  Good heavens!  She might even make the news!  And she would be dead!  She couldn’t explain that yes, she was old enough to know better – but she was being a good mother.  Her daughter (who, she might add, is also old enough to know better) insisted they give the movie a go!!! 

The mere thought was the more than she could bare.   

She made me promise, right then and there, if she ever dies, in public, while watching a questionable movie, that I refrain from sobbing, screaming, or otherwise-drawing-attention to myself until I have at least dragged her corpse into in the theatre of a decent movie. 

I promised.  As long as she promised not to do such a wretched thing.  I mean really – a bad movie is traumatizing enough! 

I’ve been tagged so many times my head is spinning.  So this is it.  I’m giving in.  I’m saying yes to the almighty internet meme.  For those of you who could care less, I’ve blabbered on long enough for you to take a hint and head elsewhere.  So without further ado, twenty-five FACINATING facts about me:

1. I’m an introverted extravert – the oddball extravert – whatever you want to call it, but I’m right smack-dab down the middle of the two.

2. I hate to be the center of attention. Hate it, with a capital “H” – as a matter of fact, there’s probably not a strong enough word to describe how I despise …  

3. If my voice carried – at all – I would be on stage.

4. Books make me giddy. Seriously … giddy.

5. I love stories. I love to hear them, watch them, read them, and write them. Before I could write, I would dictate stories, my grandma would pen them and I would illustrate; the first story I wrote myself was called “The Love Sick Frog” – I still have it.

6. I have never had a burning desire to be published. Which at the rate I’m going, is probably a good thing.

7. If I ever do get published: 1) it will be in large part due to the tireless encouragement of my family and friends; and 2) it will be under my pen name, A.J. Ikenberry – which is made up of my first and middle initial (obviously) and my great-grandmother’s maiden name.

8. There just aren’t enough opportunities for me to use my fountain pens and wax seal. Sigh. Pity.

9. My first “boyfriend” was a little towhead named Jesse; we fell in love on the playground in second grade.

10. In third grade, I moved to “the big city” and informed Jesse – over the phone – that we could no longer “go out.” What I didn’t tell him was I was already going out with two other boys. (In my defense, the boys were best friends and they bet one another who I would choose … then handed me the notes at the same time. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t choose one over the other, so I checked “YES” on both. Personally, I think they were secretly relieved because it was a very jovial threesome.)

11. I’ve worked a wide variety of jobs – including one that could be featured on an episode of “dirty jobs.” The things I had to do were definitely not right - but I like to think the work added to my glowing character.

12. If I ever get a tattoo, I’ll have my brother design it and get it on the small of my back. That’s right, a tramp stamp … which is a little ironic.

13. I tend to avoid pain like the plague. Ere go, #12 will probably never happen.

14. Tony Bennett may have left his heart in San Francisco, but I left mine in Copenhagen.

15. In elementary school, I once saved my friends from most certain death when I kept two of the-most-vicious-Dobermans-in-the-neighborhood at bay with my violin case – all while humming my own theme song. Okay, I didn’t really hum. But only because I was too busy yelling at my friends for leaving me to die alone.

16. My family keeps me strong. We may not always agree. We may disappoint. We may even occasionally break one’s heart. But we always love each other. And we laugh. A lot. When we get together I can usually count on laughing until I cry.

17. When it’s just the two of us, my mom and I like to make-up dialogues from various encounters throughout the day. It may consist of putting words in someone’s mouth – or maybe it’s something we wish we could have said. Yes, we are hi-larious … thanks for asking …

18. When I was a teenager, I awoke one morning convinced God had told me Hollywood was my calling. It wasn’t the fame, or the fortune, it was just the way it was. I didn’t think it impossible, or crazy – even when my friends and family looked at me as if I was – because God had told me. And that was that.

19. I think it’s sad too often “maturing” means we no longer believe God has grand plans for our lives.

20. Graceful. Wouldn’t that be lovely? But, alas, I’m a klutz of such magnanimous proportions that I’m a danger to myself and others. I actually smacked into a pillar during an interview once. I kid you not. Wrapped my arms around the sucker and everything. Thankfully, it was a non-profit; compassion must have won out because I still managed to get the job.

21. One of my far-off dreams consists of having my own clothing line – vintage inspired, naturally.

22. Despite the fact that my life seems to be made up of lessons-in-patience, I fail miserably on the subject.

23. I cannot imagine life without music. I love all sorts and varieties, from classical to reggae – however, more often than not jazz gets on my last and final nerve.

24. The first two songs I learned to sing were Jesus Loves Me and The Gambler. Really, what more do you need to know in life?

25. My life to date is nothing of what I had envisioned. Yet looking back, there is nothing I would change. All the people I’ve encountered, all the moments that have made up my life – the good, the bad, the ugly – they’ve made me who I am today; and that may be just the person to change a life tomorrow...

Seriously?!  February’s gone?!  That’s just crazy-talk …

We are now down to ten months to fulfill our goals for the year.  And I’m down to one, for one.  That’s right.  One of my friends – tired of vague deadlines for my writing goals – has instituted a timeframe.  I am to complete a screenplay by the end of March.  Yeah, good luck to me then …

In other news:

• My dad decided to insert another writing project in the middle of the hellish one.  I had less than 24-hours to write up a proposal for a multi-million contract.  Let’s all say it together … good times …
• Due to said project, I was almost 2 hours late to help my friend clean the duplex she’s moving her family into.  Upon my arrival, I went to clean the blinds – and promptly broke them.  Sigh. 
• I was so excited that Arby’s brought back their Southwestern eggrolls.  So good. Since I’ve been so busy and stressed lately, I decided to get some for lunch yesterday.  Yeah, they’re gone again.  I actually whimpered.  Out loud. 
• Came home and guess what was waiting for me in the mailbox?!  Yep.  Jury Summons.  WHATEVER!!!  Although, as my mother pointed out – at least I won’t have to miss work.  AND all that money will be mine.  Which means after it’s all said and done I can go and buy myself a Happy Meal.  Woot!
• And tomorrow I have to meet a guy for coffee.  I’ve gone on so many horrendously painful blind dates that I want to hang on the doorframe, sob, and plead for all I’m worth:  Please!  I’ll be good … I won’t ever complain about being single.  Not ever again.  I PROMISE!  I’ll be happy being single.  THRILLED even!  I’ll love my cats … and a dog … and maybe, I don’t know, a llama or something! Just don’t make me go …    

Photo:  Special thanks to nao-cha for taking – and sharing – this great photo.  Nao-cha is in no way affiliated with this site. 

My baby brother turns 30 today.  That’s right, baby brother.  According to our much-younger selves, we are now officially old.   

So without further ado …

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Josh!  Here’s to you – and all you might accomplish in the next ten!

I had a minor breakdown yesterday.  My USB cable is not working, so I cannot upload new pics.  My scanner is also on the fritz.  My dad called to say he was reviewing the formulas and has a few issues.  Received two lovely pieces of paraphernalia in the mail:  1) a letter informing me that my unemployment eligibility review was not enough – now I need to schedule an in-person interview.  Do not EVEN get me started; and 2) a DELL statement with an extra $277.95 of miscellaneous charges (including a late fee –which, WHATEVER!  There is no way it could have been late!) tacked on.  After ranting and raving for a good few hours, I decided that being ugly would do no good … so I thought popping in a DVD would help matters.  And another bites the dust.  That’s right. My DVD player is in the morgue, even as we speak.  Oh!  And I came home from from running errands to a message from my grandma – a friend has a guy she wants to set me up with.  My grandma could not have been a worse messenger.  There’s no way I’ll get out of this one.  She already thinks I’m some kind of freaky for still being single.   Sigh.   

And speaking of grandmothers – the only bit of brightness came in the form of a card from my other grandmother:  “From one classy woman to another … “ just a note to tell me she was thinking of me.  My grandmother whom I haven’t visited in months.  MONTHS!  Since this is only February, that means I didn’t even visit for Christmas or her birthday.  AND WE LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN!  I’m evil.  Yet she still writes … just to say hello … 

So yes – trivial or not – I did cry myself to sleep on my large pillow.  Thank you for asking.  But today is a new day!  May it be blessed … please, oh please …

If you are reading this blog no doubt you survived the Valentine’s Day weekend without lasting trauma. 

Despite the fact that I currently have no sweetheart-to-call-my-own, I was terribly spoiled.  I received cards and ecards and tulips and roses and chocolate.   And I had a Valentine gathering to attend for lunch, afternoon tea, and dinner. The only downside to such festivity, is I dreamed – the whole night through – that I was rushing about.  It was exhausting. 

I also had the opportunity – via the wonder that is Skype - to chat with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew.   We had such a great view; they were not so lucky.  I’m having arrangement issues.  Mainly, my computer faces a southern window.  Even with the blinds closed, light reflects.   According to my brother, it looks as if they are speaking to someone in the witness protection program.  Sigh. 

And speaking of my brother – the user manual has become a family affair.  While I’m getting started on the edits/formatting, my brother works away on illustrations.  He sent the first round over the weekend and I have but two words:  He Rocks!  Seriously.  They are gorgeous. 

My brother is also working on a little side-project for me.  I cannot divulge what exactly it entails – but it will be debuted in the coming months.  The Intrigue!  I know.  So do stay tuned …

My dad and I have taken to mini phone conferences each day – just to touch bases on the project deadline that looms ahead.  Yesterdays conversation went something like this:

Dad:  So, how are the formulas coming along?

Me: They’re coming along.

Dad:  How many more do you have?

Me: I’m getting close to the end.  Pretty sure. 

Dad:  Okay.  Just send them my way when you’re finished.  I’ll need to add some examples – and refresh my memory on how to figure them with a calculator. It’s just so much easier for me to do it longhand, know what I mean? 

Me:  [long pause] Yeah, you lost me. 

Seriously.  I cannot even begin to comprehend calculating the formulas involved in Photovoltaics – longhand or otherwise.  I guess it’s safe to say I won’t be taking up the family business any time soon…  

My mom had to get a new passport.  She showed it to me yesterday and I’m so jealous.  Seriously.  It’s like a wee picture book.  Each page has a different picture from the US – Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, Golden Eagle … amber waves of grain. 

And that’s not all.  It has quotations.    Quotations like, “ We have a great dream.  It started way back in 1776, and God grant that America will be true to her dream.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. 

It’s lovely.  Sigh. 

Of course, I had to pull my passport out to compare.  Nary a hint of inspiration.  If it weren’t for the stamps, I’m afraid there would need to be a most unfortunate shredding mishap…

A tight deadline looms yet again.  Sadly, I have no one to blame but myself.  I hate it when that happens.  It’s so much better when you can bad-mouth the stupid boss who always leaves things ‘til the last minute.  Sigh. 

So, I’m writing this manual … 

Wait, weren’t you suppose to have that completed by the end of December? 

Yes, yes I was.  But the training was pushed to February, so I took most of December off.  Holidays, you know.  Then – glory be! – it was looking as if the initial training would be cancelled, so I procrastinated yet some more.  It was glorious … until I was notified that the training was back on.  Now I have this week and part of next to make edits, add appendixes, formulas, index, bookmark, cross-reference, and format.   

In a vain attempt to cram it all in, I’ve taken a creative approach to finding more time.  Take yesterday.  Yesterday I decided to forgo makeup … and I didn’t-really-do-a-lot-with-the-hair.  Why bother?  I would only be home, frantically typing away on my computer.  Who would know? 

Who would know indeed. 

I ended up taking my grama to the doctor.  We’re sitting there in a PACKED waiting room when she says, “I look horrible.”  I look at her and see nothing of the sort.  She’s wearing her cute red leather jacket, yellow earrings, funky hair style, lipstick – long eyelashes. 

Then there was me.  I looked like … well … an unemployed writer. 

Yeah, it’s a bad sign when your grandmother – who may be having an allergic reaction, I might add – looks ten times better than you.   

Needless to say, I took the time for the makeup and hair today. 

So, I’ve been without a computer for two weeks; here’s a few highlights from my time away …

Denial, anger, acceptance

Why is it computers go on the fritz at the most inopportune times?  Yeah, I don’t know either, but it ain’t right.  The first sign that something was amiss was the fact that I couldn’t access the administrative side of my blog.  Like any rational human being, I blamed it on MSN.  Of course, after four days – and clicking an innocent link on Google only to be routed to a porn site – I began to think the problem may be a bit more personal.  With that, I broke down and took it in.  Other than that, the only thing I took from the experience is this:  computer geeks are a lot more like super heroes than geeks.  Unless, of course, you bring your laptop in and they look at you like you’re stupid and send you on your way – only so your computer can get worse, forcing you to come in the next day and be relegated to the end of the inordinately long line of computers – then, well, the geek shoe may very well fit … 

So that’s how it was done

The first few days were pitiful.  Pitiful I tell you.  My whole routine was off-kilter.  I just sat around, looking dazed and confused.  Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration … but still … it wasn’t pretty.  Slowly, I began to recall such rudimentary tools as telephones … libraries … pens and – GASP! – notepads!  By the end of the whole ordeal I realized I had become much too reliant upon my computer – perhaps the whole computer-bug-thing was God’s way of saying, Get a hold of yourself woman!   

Filling those hours

My work really does depend on a computer.  I could read up on old notes, scribble a few new, but any serious writing project had to stay on stand-by until my computer was fixed.  So what’s a girl to do?  Well I’ll just tell you what she did – she cleaned like a mad-woman!  That’s right!  I shredded YEARS worth of stuff.  That, in itself, took days.  And made me a tad grouchy … but now that it’s done, it’s invigorating!  Of course, now that I’ve started, I realize just how much there is to do.  Wretched luck really.  Oh, and I did spend a couple days reading.  Reading.  All.  Day.  Long.  Reading, to me, is an indulgence.  Needless to say, those two days were pure bliss.  Sigh. 

God’s grace

As you may recall, I’ve been wanting a new computer desk.  My problem being I have a very small budget … and I’m exceedingly picky.  Yeah, these two things don’t work so very well together.  For over a month I searched high and low  - Craig’s List, outlet stores, thrift stores.  All for naught.  I had all but given up when I perused the ads last Sunday (insert angels singing here).  There it was … a beautiful L-shaped desk, in espresso, for my exact budget … and they threw in the matching hutch.  (whimper)  My dad and I finished putting it together just in time for my computer to return home.  And here’s a helpful hint to all those who tend to be a bit accident prone:  carpentry is a painful proposition.   

And there’s more … a friend of ours purchased my plane ticket to Sweden.  That’s right.  I’ll be flying out to see my nephew (and brother and sister-in-law) in July … and I won’t even have to worry about where I’ll get the money.  It’s a blessing I cannot quite fathom.

My Amy-lost-her-job-and-will-soon-be-homeless party

Last, but certainly not least, I attended my unemployment party.  Coming up with friends who could laugh at such proved more difficult than I originally thought.  However, the friends who did show up, ensured it was some good times.  We made stone soup, day old bread, and cookies made from a depression era recipe.  We drank beverages out of brown paper bags.  We chatted.  We laughed.  My friends also came bearing gifts to aid me in my transition: white bread, processed cheese slices, spam, cardboard signs and boxes (yesterday’s picture was one fine example), fingerless gloves, plastic bags, bottle of Irish cream, window washing fluid and a rag, cooking for happiness cookbook …

And I realized, more than ever, just how blessed I am to have such friends.  True friends.  Friends who will be there in the good times and the bad.  Friends who will cry with me … and then turn around and make sure those tears turn to laughter!  We should all be so lucky …

Stay tuned:  the much-anticipated-recipe from the depression era.  I would post it now but let’s be serious … this has got to be the world’s longest post as it is!

So, I'm at church on Sunday when I see a friend of the family who I haven't seen in ages.  He's telling me about his son who is engaged when he stops, pauses, takes a good hard look at me, and says, "You know, I keep thinking someday you'll get married.  But maybe not."  Long and short of it, true enough, but I was taken back.  I just stood there, looking at him - my mouth was open, but there were no words.  Finally, I said the only thing that came to mind: Yes, well, good thing our God is still a God of miracles now isn't it?  Then I smiled sweetly and went along my merry way ...   

So far, so good.   Though I did end 2008 on a sad note.  While spending time with a friend whom I've been friends with since FOREVER, we concluded that the guy I had a huge crush on most of my Junior High and Senior High years is, indeed, gay.   Little did I know, all those times I cried myself to sleep because he had spent a little too much talking to a girl or took some girl home, was all for naught.  I should have been bawling when he was talking to the boys.  Sigh.  Pity. 

I don't know about you, but I had a lovely Christmas.  It was laid back and peaceful - as if I hadn't a care in the world.  Sigh. 

Now, however, another round of Christmas lights have gone out ... it looks as if we used one string of lights for our 7 foot tree (I guess I should at least be thankful it's uniform in the outages).  It would appear the party is over ...

So I've been concerning myself with getting my freelance business back up and running.  I've been cleaning out my office closet and taking inventory as I go.  I've also decided to purchase a new desk.  I ran all over town yesterday afternoon trying to find something that: a) fit my needs; b) looked classy; c) I could afford.  Yeah, C's a clincher.  Wretched luck really. 

Still, I remain hopeful.

I've also been mulling over the idea of new blogs.  I have a couple ideas; I've also been asked to help out with another.  I think it will be quite fun.  Do stay tuned ...  

Happy Christmas Eve dear readers!  So, are you ready for the big day?  Presents purchased, wrapped, and ready to go?  Meals planned, groceries bought, goodies baked? 

I'm down to the stragglers.  Mum and I will be taking Christmas Eve to my grama's this evening.  We do mostly finger foods for Christmas Eve.  My grama wanted to contribute this year so she purchased pork, hot mustards and seeds.  I've been looking forward to it for a week.  WELL, my mom spoke with her last night, and apparently she went ahead and ate it all herself.  Sigh.  Thankfully, my mom has yet to eat the ham and cherry glaze that will be served tomorrow ... I know.  I asked. 

Also on the agenda for today - bake and decorate sugar cookies.  Just wouldn't be Christmas without them. 

Other than that, spending time with those I love most of all - and looking forward to a WHITE Christmas!  What will that be like?  I don't even remember!